Poem: Scattered times

[mayamaia]

I relive those moments
in your Nana's house
When I ran off crying
into the dark
when just before sleeping
my mind was unhinged
and I felt I might never sleep again

I knew that I had to
pull myself together
and that I was needed by others and you
so truly I had no excuse to remain
in the cold, unclothed, crying
on the ragged carpet
While you stood off to the side, unmoved.

I relive those moments
others as well
Walking alone out under the moon
Thinking of things I could say to you
but failing to start

I knew that I had to
become calm and kind
for I was still needed by others and you
But now, it seems like this memory of mine
Was broken and rewritten wrong
It felt like I knew the night on the carpet
Already that night when I stood in the dark
But they happened the other way round
And I haven't quite found
Where the edges of things were supposed to match.

I knew that I had to
be sensible and sane
But here I stand living them over again
Those nights of heart sickness
Awaiting the song
Of the too-silent birds
to bring news of the dawn.

I remember another night, years after both
When you called for no reason at 2 AM
And we talked and I smiled at the birds that began
To raise their noise of joy for day
4:30 or five when we ended that talk
And I felt such strange joy that I went to the window
And stood and I sang back to them.

So how am I here, knowing only this thing:
That I remain needed by others - not you
Yet all of my mind cannot shake the dimness
Knowing I'm waiting for you to move
To me huddled naked on the floor
Or me standing outside, cold, under the moon
To show that you know what I think you know.
You cannot be blind but by your own choice
So choose again.

Comments

[donnickcottage.livejournal.com]

Very sad, but very beautiful.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

thanks, I guess. There always seems to be another of these sadder poems waiting... I will never run out of them.

[donnickcottage.livejournal.com]

Sad and happy are two sides of the same coin lass, both beautiful and both necessary to living a rich life. I will never run out of them either, and for that I am grateful. I see as much of you in your tears as in your smile, and for that I am also grateful.