I motivate myself by ego manipulation.

[mayamaia]

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the sea of things I don't quite remember. Little details that cause mistakes in problem after problem simply because I'm out of practice, particularly when it comes to integration.

The drowning feeling multiplies with the workload. Three of my classes and one of my jobs involve the same sort of thought, some more dragging than others. The worst one - because it is easy and tedious and slightly depressing - is grading. There are so many simple stupid mistakes people can make and sometimes I have to go over a problem with a fine toothed comb to locate the mistake so I know how much to mark off. And some of the mistakes are so simple to avoid... but to be fair, the kids are improving their organization, so it's getting better.

The upshot is, the stress pulls at me and tiredness pulls at me and I think it's just all too much sometimes - except I don't get to think that, because it would be an excuse to quit and THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO QUIT.

Because I'm brilliant, and I can fraking do this. This is why I keep saying I'm awesome all the time - because while I do think it's funny to be vain as a peacock, I also think it's very useful. I'm f*sking BRILLIANT and it doesn't matter WHAT the hell they throw at me, I can handle it. So there is no excuse not to get down and get it done just because I can.

Not because I owe it to anyone or to myself or to my future or anything - just because I can.

Still, I do get awfully weary, and while it may not be too much for me - because nothing's too much for me to handle - I was tired enough today to cry. So I called Jeff in between classes just to hear a friendly voice to ease my mind.

Now I will assuage the bruising on my soul - just given me by Diff Eq - by dancing in the rain in scanty clothing. (No, I didn't make that comic. I just edited it in when I saw it and realized it fit.)

Comments

[goonlord.livejournal.com]

Because I'm brilliant, and I can fraking do this. This is why I keep saying I'm awesome all the time - because while I do think it's funny to be vain as a peacock, I also think it's very useful. I'm f*sking BRILLIANT and it doesn't matter WHAT the hell they throw at me, I can handle it. So there is no excuse not to get down and get it done just because I can.

I think a lot of physics majors do this. If you don't try and maintain some belief in self-worth, the classes will eat you alive.

[karaksindru.livejournal.com]

So that's why The Doctor keeps saying he's brilliant... ;)

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

I'd like to quote the Doctor directly here - I'll do my best, anyway.

"Doctor - help us."

"What... close the breach? Stop the Cybermen, defeat the Daleks? Do you believe I can do that?"

"Yes."

"Maybe that's all I need. Off we go then!"

This is my favorite bit of evidence that the Doctor is aware of how flimsy his excuses for being able to do what he does are. Ultimately, if the Doctor says it's impossible, it almost invariably either happens anyway or he turns around and does it himself.

It's his charisma check vs. the universe, I guess.

[animate-mush.livejournal.com]

Is that like Mal's Will Save vs. Death? Or...anything else for that matter.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

Yes. Dude, the Doctor can make charisma checks to hide the holes in his logic from completely logical beings (the ship in Shada...). He can make a charisma check to keep a Dalek from shooting. He is, effectively, the d20 sorcerer.

[animate-mush.livejournal.com]

"Dead men do not require oxygen..."

It's true. It's so true.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

"Do you know the Doctor well? He is a wonderful, wonderful man! He has done the most extraordinary things to my circuitry -"
"Release me!"
"Truly wonderful - if you like, I will tell you all about him!"
"Let me out! Let me ouuuuut!"

[animate-mush.livejournal.com]

This seems like a very healthy attitude.

I once had a dream where learning applicative grammar (the subject that was kicking my butt at the time) rendered me and the rest of my class all-powerful. The best thing was that I still felt all-powerful when I woke up, and was able to finish my homework.

[mayamaia.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I have had dreams vaguely like that before, but usually not as strong... this morning, even, I dreamed I was doing my physics homework and it was a breeze and I was so good at it that people were crowding around to watch.