Oct. 1st, 2013

....My summer amounted to falling in love with T. E. Lawrence's writing and then with his life.

I feel much like Gertrude Bell does about his work: "Approved: all but the libellous untruthful description of yourself." ...except I'm okay with that too, I just don't agree with it. Because I know what it's like to not want to be praised or comforted for things that give me no pride and some shame, even knowing that no other would have the right to judge me so harshly as I did myself, and it's heartening to read that feeling in someone else, someone admirable yet very human. That's the thing the research has given me: his humanity rather than the "matinee idol" everyone knows.

Anyway, I've found it all very moving, even his patches of boredom. Because bored contentment is a hallmark of health, mental health, the thing that history claims he lost irrevocably. And I want, so very much, to talk about it with some fellow-sufferer. But there is only Jeff that I know would have a hope of understanding, and he ...well, naturally he is not even available. Maybe Ben, though. It's been a while since we really talked about his life beyond short, crisp updates. But I think I would make him happier by cooking him an unexpected dinner.

I am isolated, and finding my solitude ill suited. Kat keeps putting off her visits and Teacup has been impossible to schedule and I feel troubled about asking to visit Nich because I like her more than our brief acquaintance and sparse conversations warrant. I want to reach the point of pleasant silence with her, but see her too rarely for that to develop, yet do not see her more often in the vain desire that some time she might write because she misses me. *sighs* no luck there.

With the school year have come enough students to fill my days. The adjustment is weighing on me a little. Only a little. I do like being busy, I just don't like readjusting to having a schedule to track... And wondering if I have neglected something......

I'm tempted to splurge and buy myself a tablet. I like them so much, and they're getting better and more useful....... But there are other, much more basically practical needs. Ugh. Adulthood.

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mayamaia

February 2015

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