I know, ANOTHER entry.
Aug. 31st, 2006 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mayamaiaDuring a conversation earlier today, in which my friend was talking excitedly about her plans for tonight, I drifted into thoughts of all the dates that never happened with Jeff for some STUPID reason or other. (Like he had to know what it was even though it was supposed to be a surprise, or he didn't bother to put in for ONE DAY off work) I had to go off into the back to not just grumble until I ruined her evening, too.
So I guess that's part of why I'm going back over old stuff tonight.
***********************
From over a year and a half ago:
"But I have him, and then I remember all the things I need to have to keep living. Because I have him, all the things in this world to want.
Sometimes I think it would be simpler if I didn't have anything left, and could stop wanting forever."
****************
From RPG Story. For those who don't know, Tynin was originally Kaster's character and Ana and the Watcher, a.k.a. Dark Eyes are two sides of me.
The ranger clenched a fist, relaxed it and hit the wall with his palm. "I came for advice you know. But vague words about asking Death a few questions are all you have to give me? That just... that's worse than nothing. Death will know, Death is right there, I'm just supposed to turn around and say 'Hi, Death, where's Ana? I need to find her before you take her awa-- '"
"That appelation is not quite accurate, half-elf," said the man in the corner. Tynin turned around to see a tall man with slick hair that fell in waves to his shoulders, with his hands in the pockets of his long gray cloak and giving him a wry smile. And with a shock, Tynin recognized the glint of the black eyes belonging to a man he'd never seen before.
***************
And this.
"Somebody tell him, because he never believes me. I keep thinking that he's coming to terms with it, he's working on it, he's getting better. But then the same words come up.
I don't deserve it. School, church, friends, what have you. I say, you prove your worth by choosing to do these things. You prove you deserve them by deciding you WILL deserve them. And then working for it.
Otherwise, you are mocking others' loss, and throwing away the gifts you were given. Throwing away the fact that YOU are alive. It's senseless to waste it "because you don't deserve it." That is ALWAYS your excuse.
And it works. It works so well. People believe you are hurt and need more time to come to terms with things. And year after year, you use the excuse until even you aren't fooled anymore, and realize that now, truly, you don't deserve it. Because you never, ever friggin' tried."
It hurts to think that maybe he finally got it because someone else - not me - told him. That he was lying each time he asked me to help, because he didn't want or couldn't use the help from ME.
***************
"I don't think he can hear the loneliness in my voice. Perhaps I have learned too well how to mask it.
Perhaps other distractions have a stronger draw than my voice."
So I guess that's part of why I'm going back over old stuff tonight.
***********************
From over a year and a half ago:
"But I have him, and then I remember all the things I need to have to keep living. Because I have him, all the things in this world to want.
Sometimes I think it would be simpler if I didn't have anything left, and could stop wanting forever."
****************
From RPG Story. For those who don't know, Tynin was originally Kaster's character and Ana and the Watcher, a.k.a. Dark Eyes are two sides of me.
The ranger clenched a fist, relaxed it and hit the wall with his palm. "I came for advice you know. But vague words about asking Death a few questions are all you have to give me? That just... that's worse than nothing. Death will know, Death is right there, I'm just supposed to turn around and say 'Hi, Death, where's Ana? I need to find her before you take her awa-- '"
"That appelation is not quite accurate, half-elf," said the man in the corner. Tynin turned around to see a tall man with slick hair that fell in waves to his shoulders, with his hands in the pockets of his long gray cloak and giving him a wry smile. And with a shock, Tynin recognized the glint of the black eyes belonging to a man he'd never seen before.
***************
And this.
"Somebody tell him, because he never believes me. I keep thinking that he's coming to terms with it, he's working on it, he's getting better. But then the same words come up.
I don't deserve it. School, church, friends, what have you. I say, you prove your worth by choosing to do these things. You prove you deserve them by deciding you WILL deserve them. And then working for it.
Otherwise, you are mocking others' loss, and throwing away the gifts you were given. Throwing away the fact that YOU are alive. It's senseless to waste it "because you don't deserve it." That is ALWAYS your excuse.
And it works. It works so well. People believe you are hurt and need more time to come to terms with things. And year after year, you use the excuse until even you aren't fooled anymore, and realize that now, truly, you don't deserve it. Because you never, ever friggin' tried."
It hurts to think that maybe he finally got it because someone else - not me - told him. That he was lying each time he asked me to help, because he didn't want or couldn't use the help from ME.
***************
"I don't think he can hear the loneliness in my voice. Perhaps I have learned too well how to mask it.
Perhaps other distractions have a stronger draw than my voice."
