eep

We are afraid. We are very afraid. We were pretty certain the news about what's to come could not get any worse, then it did, and then it made a bet with itself that it could get worse than even THAT and went out of its way to win the bet.

But even that is not the worst. No, there is every possibility that there is a show for which it is IMPOSSIBLE to jump the shark, because it's the very pain it inflicts in the brain which makes it so addictive. They have carefully made the joy it gives in proportion to the corn and camp it rains over the earth.

Her name is Jenny.

We are very, very scared and we will be hiding behind the sofa now.

*Note for the concerned: This was mostly written for fun with style. Don't worry. It doesn't mean anything. Much.*

and we're too young to see

It's been a long time since I went to church regularly. I stopped before Amanda moved out, going every now and again with my mother, less and less as my life seemed to harden into a shell of what I didn't want. At the same time, I was talking to God more and more in my head.

And then for several months, crying and shouting at him. And the faith I had curved and warped and changed.

On Easter, with a life I control - again? for the first time? - but without the things I had wanted, I wondered if I can still classify myself as a Christian, by my own rules.

Today, a friendly girl from Physics classes asked me to go to Nightlife, a small non-denominational Christian meeting. It had been a while, why not? But it is so different, had been an alien style even when I was here first, and more so now. And the music - I couldn't stop thinking, I could do better.

And then I got the idea, why not? I can write better. There's a project: write five hymns that are better than what I heard tonight. Something from an older heart

they seemed young even 6 years ago

something stranger and stronger
something sweeter

But at the moment my mind is just filled with Blackout.
And my eyes cloud with the vision of a hand passing a garter in the dark.
And my thoughts twist over Eisner's A Contract With God.

Hymn progress

First three sets of lyrics done.

When I was young, one of the lessons that sunk in was that God is not just a fair-weather friend, and it was equally foolish to assume that he's only there to call to when everything else fails. Whatever, whoever God is, is something to encounter in all parts of life.

Those times when I was screaming at him... the words boiled down to "Look. If you can't accept a person who tries their best and gets lost and afraid and loses their way - if such a person is judged a failure, then you are not a God worth worshipping. So you know what? I will follow an idea of God that I can accept - and if I'm wrong, and that's not you, you don't deserve my faith and you don't deserve my work. And that should be good enough for you - if you are truly a wise and loving God."

Heh. So... I don't fit most denominations anymore. I still feel like a Christian - perhaps partly because that's how I have always seen myself, but strongly because the forgiveness idea is the center of my religious thinking. Christianity in my mind is all about loving others more than oneself, and letting what they've done only increase the compassion and affection for them. To understand is to love, whether that love is friendship or pity or something else.

I'm trying to express that.