Augh.

I obsess over the worst things.

Need to get my butt out of this chair and away from the intarnetz. I'm not even doing anything with it.

...oh gosh, I'm going to be here for another hour, won't I?

Trials by fire

I look at my actions sometimes and wonder just what the heck I'm doing.

Not thinking I'm making a mistake necessarily - in this case, something or other is going on outside of clear, coherent thoughts. I tell myself to do something, something very simple. I remind myself to prevent accidents by preventing risks from developing. I think of ways to circumvent problems before they become problems.

But my subconscious has always known better what I need in life, and sometimes will force my hand.

I just wish I knew where exactly it's forcing me to go.

I suspect that it is attempting to bring about a major test of myself, so I will be able to handle similar tests when I am weaker.

Becoming the ideal

It's very strange, sometimes, to see how owning this journal has changed me. I had two purposes initially: this was to be an exercise in trust (since in order to be trustworthy, one must trust first) and to get me to write regularly.

It took no time at all to start writing long and eloquently (making me wonder why I never stuck to another journal before or since).

Trust, however, has been an ongoing process. ( Read more... )

The beauty is, I am growing closer to my ideal self.