So. Things have been going very well with Charles. I feel like I'm growing more hopeful and less cautious, and that in many ways this is a good thing. Well.

This morning, I fell asleep after turning off my alarm. When I woke up, I realized in some slight alarm that I didn't know how long I had slept. Touching Charles's shoulder, I said, "Jeff, I fell asleep." He didn't respond or react, but I realized my mistake immediately, and said aloud, "I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I did that." I don't even know if he picked up on the mistake.

I haven't accidentally said Jeff's name in intimate circumstances for four years. I did so exactly once before, and since then have had sufficient self-control or at minimum reflexes to avoid it for my own sake. As much as having done so again stabs an old wound, I think it may illustrate that I'm relaxing my defenses finally.

Or maybe they just smell too much alike. It is so very difficult for me to trust myself to be happy. But it is not the only thing I have said accidentally, and one of others is a four letter word. (Again, no response or reaction, but in those cases I mostly stayed smooth and glossed over what I'd said with unrelated chatter.)

So ...Though I was going to write the foregoing already, today's writer's block is extremely apt:
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I think, while it is a supremely difficult question and I sometimes think of one particular person or another, I must ultimately answer none... I do not, after all, have a clue what more I would lose than I already have. Or if I would gain. If I may have a different life, I want it to be completely different, so I have less temptation to frame my imaginings in terms of what I now know.
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Let's see... Mish is, I think, the only one. But back when email was fresh and new, I got into conversation with a girl in Australia because of a mistyped address, and via Facebook I know another girl with my name who lives in Italy. As for just in the US, Ron and Cairsten are probably my closest online acquaintances. Ahh the internet. I have not met any of these people in person, however.
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Felt I had to answer this one since it is timely. Yes, I stay in touch with them. All my break-ups have been amicable at first, but the first two soured, after three months and three years respectively. I think part of the reason the remaining three haven't is because they were shorter relationships, but also partly because I had the courage to break up with them instead of waiting until things got bad. It was a difficult lesson to learn, and is difficult to retain. I don't like being alone, even if I'm healthier that way.
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Only if you allow that I act more masculine than feminine a lot of the time. I'd call it a masculine trait, but not limit it to men - that work?

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mayamaia

February 2015

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