Normal journal

I thought I had nothing to do tomorrow, but then Dave posted something. So I will be in San Jose to check out the Da Vinci exhibit for no real reason. Thanks Dave!

I have a bruise on the back of my shoulder, and I don't know how I got it. I can place the source of the one on my shin and the one on my hip, but not the one on the .... Oh, wait, I got it by standing up into the underside of a table at work on Thursday. THAT's why.

Yesterday was fun. I hung out with Andy for several hours (another friend rescheduled on him). The first half was, however, far too full of "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Which resulted in tree climbing and mall trawling (the first resulted in my getting mocked, and the second is never my forte, but at least there was a bookstore). Finally ended up at Mercado to watch Clerks II (as raunchy as any of the other Kevin Smith movies, and vaguely unsettling).

Saw Stina. I... oh man, I could have cried, so I grabbed the first funny situation I could and embarrassed Andy. He wasn't too pissed off. So I was able to talk sort of normally to her. But I am glad I didn't run into Jeff's parents, too.

I really miss working with Gaille. I might just ask to switch days with someone next week just so I can work with her again. Stupid schedule changes. I need my Strauss Waltzes and jokes over herbal tea, darnit!

I've been meeting far too many women with this guy's attitude recently: http://shadesong.livejournal.com/2965110.html

And this strikes a chord: http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2152

Something unexpected is missing

I just realized today that one aspect of my thoughts has been silent for the last month. Actually, for a little longer than I've been single.

I'm used to, when I'm being overly depressed and despairing, having one part of my mind speak up with thoughts like "Oh, come on. You'll survive this, stupid. You've survived worse, and will continue to do so." It has never been comforting, but it's always been there, certain and cynical about a predictable future.

I'm kind of worried that she's not there. I wonder if she'll return.

Suddenly, the lyrics of All These Things That I've Done make a different kind of sense than they used to. Because THAT was the part of my mind that had hooked on to them a while back.

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done

Wending my way back toward want

The defining thing about the breakup has been this: All my future plans were connected like a spiderweb. Jeff was involved directly or indirectly with most of them, and without him it has been difficult to want any part of them.

The lack of goals is a frightening version of freedom. It is the freedom of being unanchored, or without a compass.

But then, sometimes, that's how you find a shore you didn't realize exists. Or that was so shrouded in the mists that it seemed unreachable. Let's just hope I don't crash on the rocks.